Men and women approach sex differently. A young man in his 20s has 30 times the amount of testosterone in his system than the average woman does. Since this is the hormone that drives libido, it’s easy to see how men are more focused on sex and orgasm than women.
A woman, however, while having a sex drive, has been conditioned in our society to see sex as a pathway to intimacy. The messages she gets are that sex is less about achieving orgasm and having a pleasurable time, and more about emotionally connecting with a partner. For this reason, young men and women often find themselves at completely different places with regard to their view on, and their need for, sex.
It boils down to this: men are microwaves and women are crockpots.
The average man needs about 3-5 minutes to achieve orgasm while it takes the average woman at least 30 minutes of direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm to occur. The young man who crawls on top of a woman, thrusts for a couple of minutes before coming, and then turns to his partner and asks, “Was it good for you?” will likely hear something vague and benign like, “It was nice”.
Trust me gentleman, that’s just code language for “if that’s all there is, what’s all the fuss about?” While the man popped his cork, the woman is left frustrated because not only did she not reach orgasm, she may have begun to get somewhat stimulated and turned on, but she’s likely not sure what to tell her partner she needs.
Our society in the past has not helped women understand their sexuality – and I’m not sure if it’s enough better today. The result is a lot of frustrated women, a lot of misunderstanding about how sex works for both partners, a lot of men who think they’re satisfying their partner when they’re not, and a lot of marriages that could be much better if sex was equally satisfying for both parties.
Men, here’s the deal. If you’re not stimulating her clitoris for a fair length of time, your lady won’t be satisfied. You need to rub and stimulate her until she’s basically begging you for intercourse. That’s your sign that she’s revved up and excited enough for orgasm to occur. If you believe that she’s ready any time before the begging begins then you’re only fooling yourself.
Now this isn’t to say that you can’t have penetration, have your orgasm, and then bring her to satisfaction after penetration. But if you end the encounter without her achieving orgasm then she’s not going to be as likely to be craving sex with you the next time you initiate it.
And why would she? You’re leaving her “high and dry” so to speak. Can you imagine a sexual encounter in which you didn’t orgasm? Would it leave you feeling frustrated? Would you be anxious for release if you didn’t get it?
Another difference between males and females in the satisfaction department is this: males have had so much practice touching their penis that they know what feels good and what leads to an orgasm. Women have either had little or no practice. Or society has shamed them into denying that aspect of themselves and taught them that the men in their lives are supposed to know how to make them feel good sexually.
Some men are threatened by, or offended, if the woman tells them what to do or makes suggestions as to technique. It goes along with our idea that men are born knowing how to be good lovers. And it’s nonsense!
No person is born knowing how to make another person feel good – especially when the other person is wired so completely differently from you in the first place. Think about it. It would be the same as if two people who spoke different languages married each other. Would anyone assume that they’d magically learn to speak the other’s language on the wedding night without some lessons? Of course not, because that’s ridiculous. But that’s how we treat sex.
So here are 12 things to remember if you want to be the lover your woman has fantasized about:
- Forget “wham bam, thank you mam.” It doesn’t work for her even if it works for you. If you don’t spend time getting her warmed up to play, she likely won’t enjoy the game or want to play next time.
- You’re different and your bodies work differently. She takes longer to get excited. Accept it and enjoy the process.
- The clitoris, the clitoris, the clitoris. If you have sex without stimulating it, you’re doing it wrong.
- Give each other permission to express likes and dislikes.
- Leave everyone else outside the bedroom door. This includes her mother, your preacher, society, and the kids. Everyone – no exceptions.
- There’s nothing wrong with using toys or aides. If they make the experience more pleasant and satisfying then use them! Do not worry that you’ll be replaced by a toy. A toy doesn’t whisper in your ear and hold you. The toy just makes it easier to get the job done so get over your ego and go get that vibrator.
- Lube is your best friend. Teach her to use it on you and use it on her. Keep baby wipes or a towel beside the bed for quick clean up. Bad friction can be a mood killer. Lube, on the other hand, makes everything feel just right – for both parties.
- Learn to talk about sex. Talk to each other during the act to express things you’d like to do and that feel good, but remember that communication outside the bedroom is equally important. This is how you can discover where each other is coming from sexually and learn about attitudes that may be influencing your sexual experience. And some things are just easier to say with your clothes on while you’re not in the heat of the moment.
- Don’t get defensive at things your partner tells you about sex. The goal is to make it better and that can’t happen if your partner is always worried that you’ll get upset or defensive. If your partner says that a shower before sex makes you more pleasant and tasty, don’t take it as a personal assault on your hygiene – some things just taste better when they’re fresh (let’s face it, the playground is pretty close to the waste refuse station so cleanliness makes it a more pleasant place).
- Don’t expect your partner to do something you wouldn’t be willing to do.
- Take your time! This is not a rodeo and there’s no 8 second limit.
- It’s not over till everyone has had their cookie. This means that if you’re unsure if your partner has had an orgasm, then they haven’t. Learn the physical signs of orgasm, commit them to memory, and vow that neither of you leaves the bedroom until satisfaction is evident
If you’ll keep all of these things in mind, you’ll have one happy woman on your hands. Literally.