No one wants to be so confident that other people think they’re jerks. However, for many older women, that isn’t a problem that they’d have in a million years. But figuring out your confidence score can give you a clue where you need to improve so that you project the right amount of confidence to others and to the world.
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Having confidence is a necessary component to succeed in life. Because without confidence, you’ll never work up the nerve to go after the things you want. You won’t take the steps to achieve your goals because you’ll always think about your dreams and default to “Oh, I could never do that!”
And there’s a really good chance that it’s not true.
In fact, with a little more confidence there’s no telling what all you can do and achieve. You just need the courage to try…and confidence is the key.
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HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR CONFIDENCE SCORE
Take a look at the following questions and jot down your yes or no answers.
- Does saying “no” make you feel guilty?
- Do you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to other people?
- Do you find it hard to stand up for your values and beliefs…especially if other people don’t agree with them?
- Do you hesitate taking the initiative on projects or ideas? Do you tend to sit back and assume someone else will do a better job than you could do?
- Do you worry about impressing others?
- Are you easily intimidated?
- Do you worry about your finances
- Do you worry about what the future holds?
So how many questions did you answer yes to?
Now I’m not going to tell you that you need a confidence boost if you got a certain number of yes answers. You’re an intelligent woman and you can judge the results for yourself. And answering the questions also gives you insight into what particular areas you struggle with in the confidence department.
Because here’s something to remember: it’s possible to be confident in one area yet suffer from a lack of confidence in another. We’ve all got our quirks and weak spots, right?
But now that we’ve pinpointed some of the areas where our confidence may be low, what can we do about it?
NO IS NOT A DIRTY WORD
If you tend to feel guilty when you say “no” to other people, it could be because you don’t have faith in your decisions. You may also be someone who hates to disappoint people (any other people pleasers out there know that you’ve got a lot of company) so you take on things you don’t want to so that you don’t have to say that one difficult little word.
You may also find that you end up making excuses to get out of things after you’ve already committed instead of just saying “no” at the time. But doing this not only causes you anxiety, it leaves the other person in the lurch. It’s truly better to just say “no” at the time rather than to try to get out of something later.
So how do you say “no” nicely and in a manner that won’t cause the other person to start trying to wear you down until you end up saying a reluctant “yes”?
First off, “no” is a complete sentence. You want to say no in a manner that does not leave the other person thinking that they can wear you down (and it’s amazing how persistent some people can be). You want to be definite in your answer. Saying things like, “I’ve already got too much on my plate”, or “My calendar is already full”, or “That’s not something I can commit to”, or even suggesting someone else who might be interested in saying “yes” are possible answers.
But whatever you do, once you say “no” do not give in and say “yes” because they kept after you. When you do this you are teaching the other person to ignore your “no” answer and that you don’t really mean what you say. This greatly increases the odds that you’re going to find yourself in this same situation again (and that’s not what you want!).
COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS DECREASES YOUR CONFIDENCE
It’s easy to compare yourself to others because there are always other people around. It might be the neighbor next door, it might be a friend, or it might be someone you don’t know but someone who has traits or successes that you don’t have.
But here’s the thing: there are always going to be other people who are smarter than you. There are always going to be other people who have more money or more/better possessions than you do. There are always going to be other people who have skills, talents, traits, and successes that you don’t have.
Always!
But here are some more truths.
- What you consider “smarter” may only be more education. And that’s something you can fix. Read more books (not just trashy novels…although I do love them and read my fair share!), listen to educational, inspirational, or motivational podcasts, learn a new skill. The point is that you can do things to improve your brain and learn more. So get started – you’ll feel smarter with each one.
- You don’t really know how much money someone has. What may look like a lot of money because of their lifestyle may simply indicate the amount of debt they’re willing to take on. That can be more about impressing others than an indication of true net worth. Never assume that the Joneses have more than you do just because of the way things look on the outside. And if you want to increase your own net worth, all you have to do is start (one reason I advocate starting a second career from home!).
- Those people who have talents, skills, traits, and successes that you don’t have…they’ve likely spent a LOT of time developing them and working hard. There’s a saying I see a lot in the online business world: “Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle or end.” It makes a lot of sense if you think about it. Everyone starts at the beginning. So instead of feeling “less than” because someone is farther along the journey than you are, use them as an inspiration to start your own journey. Take the steps, learn from others, and one day you’ll be surprised to find that someone else is comparing themselves to you!
EXPRESSING YOUR VALUES AND BELIEFS IN DIVIDED TIMES
Now this one can be really tough because of the times we’re living in. Too many people have taken the attitude that “if you don’t agree with me you’re totally wrong and must be a horrible person”…or at least I’ve seen a lot of that attitude.
But it’s natural for people to have differing opinions about things. That doesn’t make them horrible people. One of my biggest pet peeves is that social media (and the news, and everything else it seems) has caused us to believe that anyone who doesn’t think or live like we do should automatically be discounted.
This type of thinking has caused many people to just keep their opinions to themselves…which isn’t always a bad thing. We don’t necessarily need to express every thought and opinion that is in our head. In fact, things might improve if people DID quit feeling the need to say everything they think…and then try to beat others into submission until they agree with them.
However, there is a time when you need to be able to articulate the things that are dear to your heart and that have value to you. And it can be difficult to do when those things go against the popular opinion of those around you. But you can say things like “we can agree to disagree”, or “we don’t have to agree on everything to be respectful” or “I don’t agree with your opinion but that’s okay”. In other words, we don’t have to respond with vitriol even if we were on the receiving end of it.
It’s important to know what we believe in. And we don’t want to compromise our value systems because that’s a basic part of who we are. And every time we give in a little it erodes our confidence in ourselves. But if you’re finding yourself surrounded by people who aren’t able to respect your beliefs then it may be time to start looking for new people to associate with.
WHEN IT’S HARD TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE
One way to increase your confidence score is by learning to feel good about taking on challenges and new ideas. There’s nothing wrong with taking a back seat for a while and learning from others who know more than you do, but absorb what you can from them so that you become more willing to put yourself out there and take initiative some times.
And those people you’re learning from…how do you think they became so competent? They had to step up at some point and take the initiative whether they felt completely ready or not.
QUIT WORRYING ABOUT IMPRESSING OTHERS!
I read a quote years ago that has always stuck with me. “Quit worrying so much about what others think of you. You’d be surprised at how little they actually do.”
In other words, most people don’t spend nearly as much time thinking about us as much as we think they do. Yet WE spend time thinking that they’re thinking about us and finding us inadequate.
The ugly truth is that most people are too wrapped up in their own problems and day-to-day worries to really think much about us at all.
And isn’t that knowledge wonderfully freeing?
I find it truly liberating because it means that all the time I used to spend worrying about what others think of me is time that can be spent doing other things. And it frees me to totally be myself…there’s no image I need to present to others.
And here’s the upside: when you’re totally yourself, others will either be drawn to you or not. And that’s a good thing.
STOP BEING SO EASILY INTIMIDATED
Most likely you feel intimidated because you’re comparing yourself to others and you feel that you’re lacking. Reread the section above and realize that you’re not inferior in any way to other people.
Are you different than other people?
Probably. But that’s not a bad thing. Relax, quit thinking about other people, and enjoy whatever situation you find yourself in. And remember that when it’s over, those people aren’t giving you another thought.
FINANCES AND CONFIDENCE
Let’s just admit it…there’s something about feeling financially secure that makes us feel more confident. Okay, that ugly truth is out of the way so let’s move on.
But financial situations aren’t static. We can improve them.
If you’re not great with your money habits, you may need to see a financial advisor to get some help. Or you might want to purchase a financial planning binder and start tracking your spending and saving (I actually sell a financial planner on my other site if you’re interested.)
The point is that you can take steps to improve your financial situation so that you don’t feel like a fraud because you’re not as well off as someone else.
THE FUTURE IS UNKNOWN FOR EVERYONE
None of us has a crystal ball so none of us knows exactly what the future holds. But what we can do is make the best choices and decisions today to set us up for the best future possible.
This means making good choices about our health, finances, career, and relationships. Because every decision we make in these areas impacts us later on in life. So it’s important to make informed decisions based on facts. Doing so gives us confidence that we’ve done everything in our power to make the future the best it can be. And that gives us confidence to face whatever happens.
WHAT’S NEXT TO IMPROVE YOUR CONFIDENCE SCORE?
Now that you’ve spent some time evaluating your confidence score you can start taking steps to improve it. It takes some work and determination, and things aren’t always easy to change…but they’re not impossible.
In fact, every step you take increases your confidence just a little bit, and those little things add up more than you might think at first.
I’d suggest working on one area at a time until you’ve made progress that makes you feel happy and secure. Then pick the next area and work on that. Then come back to these questions to see how you’re doing.
I’m confident that if you do, you’ll be happy with the progress you’ve made.
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I help older women get past their fear and mindset issues so they can create a plan to pursue their goals and dreams.
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