Do you struggle with a loss of confidence and wonder why? Or do you ever wonder why other women don’t seem to have confidence issues at all? I’ve got a theory why those of us who are “a certain age” have suffered a loss of confidence and what we can do to overcome it.

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REASONS FOR A LOSS OF CONFIDENCE
I’m going out on a limb here, but I’ve noticed that there’s frequently a major difference in confidence levels of women depending on their age and upbringing.
Perhaps you’ve noticed it too. You look at the younger women and they seem so self-assured. They ooze confidence while you simply ooze insecurity and self-doubt. And you wonder what’s the reason. They’re not any smarter than you. They’re not better educated or more experienced. So why do they have the confidence that you lack?
In my opinion, part of it is due to age and upbringing.
TRADITIONAL UPBRINGING DIDN’T ENCOURAGE US TO BE CONFIDENT
Now, at the risk of alienating a lot of people (and I guess if you’re alienated by what I’m about to say then I’m definitely not for you), there’s a whole segment of us ladies who were not brought up to be confident in our abilities (or much of anything else, for that matter).
We were not raised with a cheering section telling us that we could grow up and be anything we wanted to be. Instead, we were encouraged to take a backseat, to downplay (or even negate) any skills we had, and that modesty and self-effacement were our best traits.
And unlike the women who were a generation younger than us – or the daughters we ourselves raised – we weren’t told that we could do anything we wanted. We weren’t encouraged to dream big and then reach for the stars.
Instead, we were raised to accept the norms of the day and accept that the successes life had to offer were going to the men and that our role in life was to be sweet daughters, supportive wives, and good mothers. And what came after that? Well, no one talked about it…not even our mothers.
But society has changed since we were little girls (hallelujah!). Women stepped into new roles and took on new challenges. And the way that we raised our own daughters was as different as night and day from the way we were raised.
GENERATIONS BORN AFTER US WERE RAISED DIFFERENTLY
We didn’t want our own daughters to feel “less than” the boys around them. We didn’t want them held back or limited. We didn’t want them dealing with the same constraints that we were brought up with.
So we encouraged them to dream big, to assume that they could do anything they wanted in life, and that they were as capable and competent as any man. We encouraged their confidence and we were there to cheer them on and provide encouragement when it faltered.
The result is a couple of generations that don’t suffer from a loss of confidence the way some of us (ahem) slightly older ladies do. We’re happy for them and proud of the things they’re doing. And truth be told, we may even be a little jealous at all the encouragement they’ve received.
If only someone had done that for us.
But no one did.
WE NEED CONFIDENCE NOW
Finally we’re at the point in our lives where we’re ready (and excited) to take on some new challenges. We’ve been sweet daughters, supportive wives, and good mothers. And now we’re ready for the next phase because it’s finally our turn.
The problem is that we often lack the confidence that we need in order to conquer this new challenge and achieve our goals.
Instead, we’ve got to to overcome our programming (and the programming of those around us) and become the confident women we were always meant to be…before old outdated and traditional upbringing told us that confidence wasn’t becoming (and to sit down and be quiet).
REASONS WE MAY NOT BE CONFIDENT:
Basically there are 6 reasons many of us suffer from a loss of confidence:
- We were raised to be good girls and not draw attention to ourselves or to think too highly of ourselves.
- We were taught that good women put others first and put their own wants, needs, and desires in the background.
- It was expected that our primary role would be care-giving and nurturing (in other words, good wives,mothers, and daughters).
- If we were interested in pursuing a career we were pushed towards very female dominated fields like teaching or nursing. After all, these careers worked well for those who had families at home (so we were told).
- Somehow someone else always got credit for good ideas we had or work we did that was successful (and that someone was generally older and male).
- Women who did demand equal respect and opportunity were talked badly about (there were names for those women and they weren’t flattering).
WAYS TO OVERCOME A LOSS OF CONFIDENCE
So how do we overcome the loss of confidence and begin to feel like we’re competent and capable? Fortunately, there are steps we can take to increase our confidence…or to return it to the levels we felt before it was programmed out of us.

REMEMBER A TIME WHEN YOU FELT UNSTOPPABLE
You may have to think way back into the past. Perhaps to a time when you were a little girl who hadn’t yet gone to school or absorbed the message that girls were meant to play supporting roles instead of being leading characters in their own life.
Or perhaps you held on to your confidence until hormones kicked in and the desire to attract boys kicked in. Either way, think back about who that young girl was. What were her hopes and dreams? What did she want to do with her life? How did she feel about herself?
Perhaps if you can remember yourself before you were programmed into submission, you’ll find that you did have plenty of confidence at one point.
Now this realization may make you feel defeated…but don’t let it. While it would be easy to think “what a shame I lost my confidence because now it’s gone forever”, remembering that previously confident version of ourselves is actually good news. Because instead of believing a lie about yourself (that you never had any confidence), you’ll realize that what you once had you can have again.
It’s easier to rebuild something that once existed than to build from nothing.
We just have to rediscover that little girl who thought she could take on the world.
REFLECT ON PAST SUCCESSES
Your immediate reaction may be “I don’t have any past successes…I’ve never done anything that worked.”
I’m calling nonsense on that one!
Here’s the problem…we may have had a very narrow definition of success. And that definition was likely a very male-oriented definition.
Think about it for a minute. When you think of success it’s likely that you think of career advancements, awards, honors, and other things that totally revolve around the world of work. And we were often at a disadvantage in this department.
First off, those of us who were raised in a very traditional setting, the only careers we were really encouraged to pursue were those that were traditionally female: teaching or nursing. And the career advancements in those are pretty limited..or go to the few men who have chosen to enter the field in order to become our bosses.
So you may have to come up with a new definition of success and consider other areas where you’ve excelled.
Your successes may have been more personal. Maybe you ran the book fair at your child’s school or were PTA president. Perhaps you organized Vacation Bible School every year or were the lead teacher in your department at work. Maybe you head up committees at church or in community organizations.

Those are successes that count just as much as any received in the more male dominated work world. But as women we’ve frequently undervalued the successes we’ve had because we’ve been given such a narrow definition (and a male definition at that).
So when we’re looking to increase our confidence, we need to recognize the successes we have enjoyed. Because we have had them whether others are calling them “success” or not.
THINK ABOUT THE THINGS THAT YOU DO WELL
Another way to increase our confidence is to realize that we have skills and talent that we can put to use for us.
Just a note of differentiation: when I talk about talent I’m referring to things that come naturally to you. You didn’t learn them, you just seemed to be good at them from the start. Skills, on the other hand, are things that you’ve learned to do and developed until you do them extremely well.
Now here’s a secret about talent…when we have a natural talent for something we tend to downplay it because we assume that everyone else has it as well.
They don’t.
Just because we are naturally good at something doesn’t mean everyone else is. The things that come easily to us are often difficult for others. But we don’t see it because we’re too close to it and because we were taught not to be too proud of ourselves (part of that traditional upbringing again).
And when we’ve developed a skill over time, we need to acknowledge that as well. The skills we’ve developed over the years may or may not be unique to us…but it doesn’t matter. We’ve learned how to do something well and that means that we’re capable of learning other skills. And that realization is a step towards overcoming our loss of confidence.
LOSS OF CONFIDENCE CAN BE OVERCOME
The whole point is that even though you may not feel confident right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t feel more confident in the future.
Understanding some of the reasons why you lost your confidence is the first step to getting it back. When we look objectively at our upbringing and programming we can then recognize the falsehoods we may have accepted and start rejecting it.
The world needs more confident, older women. We’ve got a lifetime of skills and wisdom that needs to be put out there. Our knowledge, talents, and experience can be a help others which will make the world a better place.
It will also make us better people because it’s a major step to fulfilling the potential that exists inside us.
Don’t let a lack of confidence be what keeps you from sharing your gifts with the world.
For more ideas to build your confidence check out this article by Psychology Today.
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I help older women get past their fear and mindset issues so they can create a plan to pursue their goals and dreams.