There’s a very important gift that we as mothers need to give our daughters. Even though it doesn’t cost a penny, it’s the most priceless thing we can give. But before we can give it, we have to embrace it ourselves. We need to ask ourselves these two questions: “Do I want my daughter to say the same things to her mirror that I say to mine?” and “Am I modeling self-acceptance for my daughter?”
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I’m going to step out on a limb and say something that may not be received very well. But it’s important so I’m going to say it anyway. I think that the idea of having “no makeup” days once a year so that young girls can realize that their beauty isn’t tied to makeup is silly at best, and potentially destructive at worst. At the very least it’s counterproductive.
Now before you discount the message, hear me out.
The purpose of “No makeup” days
I used to work in an environment with many wonderful women. These were women who truly cared about making a positive impact on all children. So when the idea of a “no makeup” day was proposed, everyone thought it would be a wonderful idea and a way to send a positive message to young girls. It seemed like everyone jumped on the bandwagon.
Everyone except me, that is.
You see, as a plus size woman, I’ve had my share of negative comments, put downs, criticism, etc. I’ve been told all my life that I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, that I just wasn’t ENOUGH because I didn’t look like a fashion model. I would be the first to advocate for any honest effort to truly help the younger females in our society realize that their worth and value as a person is not tied to their looks or physicality.
However, this is where I part ways with the “no makeup” people because here is the truth of the matter:
You cannot spend 364 days of the year lamenting the fact that you’re “so fat” and that you need to love five pounds because you’re “just so gross” or talking about how awful you look without makeup and then expect to undo those negative messages.
You cannot run down your appearance, nor can you spend time making comments about any other woman’s face and/or body, and then think you can make a positive impact in one day by not wearing any makeup. It just doesn’t happen.
Because as we all know, our daughters are watching.
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They’re watching and listening every day to what we say about ourselves and other women.
They’re listening when we stand in front of the mirror and tell ourselves that we’re ugly, that we’re fat, that our butt is too big or our boobs are too small.
They’re watching when we put on our makeup and comment about a new wrinkle or line that’s appeared.
They hear us when we make jokes about needing to get a boob job or Botox.
They’re watching when we pick out just the right clothes or purse and comment about the brand name.
When we spend too much on a pair of shoes but justify the expense because it’s what’s “in” this season, our daughters are watching and listening.
And they’re forming their opinions of what it means to be a woman every single day of the year, not just on an arbitrary day that’s set aside for us to try to set a positive example.
Consider these findings from recent studies:
- 80% of 10 year-old American girls say they have been on a diet
- The #1 magic wish for girls aged 11-14 is to be thinner
- As many as 50% of female teens and 30% of male teens are trying to lose weight by skipping meals, inducing vomiting, smoking, or taking laxatives
How to make a positive impact on our daughters
If we really want to make a difference in the way our daughters and other young girls view themselves we must start by monitoring the messages we send out every single day. Yep, that’s right. We need to quit saying things to ourselves that we don’t want our daughter to repeat as she looks in her own mirror.
Negative images are powerful and have a way of becoming a permanent part of our self-image. It’s time to replace those negative images with positive ones. Our daughters get enough impossible images and negative impressions about beauty from the media. Shouldn’t she get realistic and positive messages from you – every day of the year?
Raising confident daughters is so important that I’ve picked out some reading choices I think will be helpful.
I help older women get past their fear and mindset issues so they can create a plan to pursue their goals and dreams.
Nicole Williams
As a mom of two beautiful girls, I definitely appreciated this post.
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Hi Nicole! Please feel free to share it everywhere – it’s an important message to get out for all our daughters.
Sue from Sizzling Towards 60 & Beyond
Hi Shelley, I’ve written often about the need to consider that we are role models for our children and grandchildren. We need to live with a positive image of ourselves so that our daughters and sons will also learn to love themselves. Thanks for co-hosting and sharing at #overthemoon. Have a beautiful day. x
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Hi Sue! It’s a topic that’s especially near and dear to my heart. All of our daughters need to hear us preach the self-acceptance message!
Mihaela Echols
This s such an important reminder! They mirror and hear everything!
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They absolutely do! And we want all our daughters to see themselves as beautiful, wonderful, and special.
Melissa Ruddy
Did not truly understand how important this was until a few weeks ago. Making a passing comment about Now our own appearance does effect the way our daughters feel about themselves. Wish I had recognized this sooner. Great post!
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Of all the posts on my site, this is the one I wish would change the world. Our daughters won’t recognize their own beauty and worth until we recognize ours. We won’t accept ours until we stop buying into impossible beauty standards and the idea that our worth is based on our looks. And the rest of society wont realize that a woman is more than just a pretty package until we stop commenting and criticizing ourselves and others. It’s a circle that won’t be broken until we break it. It starts with us!
Marilyn Lesniak
A worthy subect Nora. ? Thanks for sharing at #OverTheMoon and have a lovely week!
Jamie
Yes! Such a great point. You cannot act one way most days and think it can be undone by your actions on specific days. We need to be the best example for our children every day because your normal behavior is what they remember.
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You are absolutely right, Jamie! If I could have one wish, it would be for women to be kinder and more accepting of themselves. I certainly hope that our daughters grow up with a better sense of self-acceptance.
Julie Christiansen
I am blessed to have 1 daughter (and 5 sons) . In our home, we have tried to define beauty as someone who is being kind, smiling at others, lifting others who are down, and trying to be smart. Being beautiful is about our actions, not our attributes. We encourage them to take care in their appearance, to be clean and neat, but someone who is “truly beautiful” is deeper than that.
Of course we are surrounded by people in a world who define beauty differently, so your message here is so very important. What a great reminder to be careful what we say around our children; both about others and especially about ourselves. They really are listening.
Thanks for sharing this at My Busy Beehives #beeparty this week!
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Your daughter is lucky to have such a wonderful definition of beauty! If I had one wish for this blog – and for women – it would be to redefine beauty to focus on the unique spirit that resides within each of us, to encourage the intelligent and compassionate sides of our natures, and to be kinder and more accepting of ourselves and others. Thank you so much for stopping by – I hope you’ll visit again soon.
acraftymix
Wow, Shelley what an incredibly powerful message. You gave me goosebumps. I really need to start taking note of what I do and say, I’d hate for my daughter to see herself as anything other than perfect. Thank you so very much
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Thanks for the kind words. I truly believe that change begins one mother and daughter at a time and that the ripple goes from there as we teach others (including our sons) that beauty comes from the heart. Our daughters are perfect, and beautiful, and they can change the world if we give them self-confidence!
Wendy
Shelley, this is such a great point. I still remember the day my 10 year old said she needed to lose weight — and I also remember feeling like such a poor example because I knew she was just repeating what she heard me say all the time. I thought my mother was the most beautiful creature on earth, and it hurt me to hear her make negative comments about herself. I now catch myself doing the same thing and I see the same look in my daughter’s eyes that I used to have. It has really taught me to be more careful, and I really do wish I could take back every single negative comment I’ve ever made about my appearance.
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I think it’s really hard for women not to be critical of ourselves with all the messages we’re constantly receiving about how we should look, act, behave, etc. But I also think that the only way we’ll break the cycle of negativity is to start by accepting ourselves and realizing that we all have something unique and special to offer to the world that isn’t dependent upon physical attributes. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our daughter’s generation grew up fully accepting themselves as the special and lovely spirits that they are?
mysideof50
Excellent post and so true. With 2 daughters and a granddaughter, I need to be a lot more careful about what I say about myself!
Sandy Sandmeyer
An amazing post, Shelley! I’m grateful that I don’t have a daughter who sees my negative self-talk but this could affect our sons as well. I really gives me pause. You’re my Over the Moon Link Party Featured Blogger choice of the week. Come back between Sunday and Thursday evenings and grab your Featured Blogger badge. Congratulations!
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Sandy, thank you for the kind words. And I agree totally that this issue also affects our sons. I watched middle school kids for most of my career and both boys and girls are struggling with self-image and trying to live up to impossible standards. The sad thing is that they’re willing to harm their health in order to fit in and “look” right. It’s definitely a conversation we adults need to have with not only our kids, but with each other, in order to raise the next generation to have a healthy acceptance of self and others. And I’m THRILLED to be chosen as your Featured Blogger this week – thank you!!!!!
Michelle Schurman
Great post Shelley! Found you on #overthemoon and will be sharing this with my friends. We all have teenage daughters and need to model this behavior.
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Thanks Michelle! This is a subject that’s close to my heart. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all our daughters recognized how beautiful they are and quit absorbing the negative messages that bombard them?