It’s hard to admit, but I used to hate Christmas. I don’t mean that I mildly disliked it – I really hated it. And I bet if people are honest, there are some others out there who dislike it for the same reasons I did.
It didn’t have anything to do with being anti-religious or anything like that. It was simply the pressure.
And the expectations.
And the obligations.
And the expense.
You get the idea. The entire Christmas season brought out my inner Ebenezer (Scrooge, in case you’re wondering).
So why would anyone dislike such a joyous season? After all, it’s meant to be a time when families are brought closer together. People are supposed to be thinking about peace on earth and goodwill towards men, loving thy neighbor.
You know the drill.
But is that always how it turns out? Let’s be honest, for lots of folks, the holidays are not a time of celebration and joy. They’re filled with family drama, financial concerns, over-scheduling and depression. Many of us have suffered from at least some of these issues.
So let’s look at each one.
Family drama during the holiday season
Let’s get real here for a minute, okay? For many, life is not like a Hallmark movie where everyone gathers peacefully. For many families, the tug of war over who spends which holiday where begins almost from the moment a couple says “I do”. Her family expects that everyone be available to open gifts on Christmas morning. Meanwhile, his family demands that Christmas Eve dinner is mandatory. Let’s not forget that these two families frequently don’t live anywhere close to each other, which means that one side is going to be upset and have their feelings hurt.
This, of course, means that there is also going to be a big heaping helping of guilt to deal with. Not a particularly appetizing dish at any time of the year.
For working moms, this reality can cause stress that begins with seeing those first Christmas decorations in stores.
The truth is that for most working moms, unless their own mothers worked, their mothers and mothers-in-law have no clue how hectic their lives are. And when someone else has no clue about your daily life, it’s too easy for that person to put demands on you.
A lot of the older female relatives in our lives didn’t hold down jobs outside the home. They didn’t have to hoard sick days. They didn’t start in at night doing the chores that their stay-at-home counterparts had all day to work on (and they’re busy too, I know), and they simply can’t comprehend how little fuel many of their daughters and in-laws are running on.
So when the holidays roll around with one more family demand, it often feels like the last straw. At least it often was for me.
Now I admit right up front that I was luckier than most. My job as a teacher, and then administrator, meant I had more time off than most working moms. The downside was that since I had “all that time off”, people felt very free to tell me how I should be spending all that free time. It just made me want to pull my hair out!
I found this excerpt from a diary I’d kept back when my kids were younger. It sums the situation up.
“Command performances to visit parents and in-laws are once again taking over my time off. They have no idea how hectic and stressful life is for a working mother because they haven’t experienced it. By the time a vacation rolls around all I want to do is lay on the couch and drool. Not to mention that there are home and personal projects that have been piling up that beg to be finished. When on earth will I get them done if I don’t get some time at home? These competing demands on my free time make me feel pulled in two. They also make me feel resentful that once again my needs seem to be the last item on anyone else’s concern list. Hubby and the kids want to celebrate Christmas at OUR house. They’re also tired and they don’t want to travel so now everyone is unhappy and I’m caught in the middle. And it’s not enough that we’ll see them DURING the holiday, they want us on a specific day or it doesn’t count. Someone else can wish for peace on earth: my own Christmas wish is for peace and quiet.”
Yep, now that’s a woman who’s really looking forward to the holidays.
Financial concerns during the holidays
As if family drama didn’t create enough stress, money concerns are huge at this time of year.
There’s no doubt about it, Christmas is one of the most expensive times of the year. A 2012 survey showed that approximately 45% or respondent would prefer to skip Christmas completely simply because of the financial drain.
I knew I wasn’t alone.
Not only are there gifts to buy for your kids, but working moms are getting co-opted into donating for gifts and activities where they work.
Many workplaces are encouraging everyone to participate in Secret Santa exchanges, gifts for co-workers, and of course, the big gift for the boss.
At church you’re expected to buy gifts for less fortunate children on the angel trees. And you can hardly find a store that doesn’t have a bell ringer standing at the door expecting you to make a donation. It’s enough to make you want to avoid even the necessary shopping you have to do.
Then there are those additional people you’re expected to buy gifts for in order to show your appreciation. There are gifts for your child’s teachers, the mailman, your hair dresser. The list goes on and on.
Unfortunately, the money does not. Lots of folks are barely getting by during a normal month: the financial demands and expectations at Christmas time are often beyond their reach.
Another diary entry read:
“I heard about a mail carrier who actually left envelopes in mailboxes to remind people that a tip was expected! Peace on earth should be changed to ‘piece of wallet’. By the time December is over I am so upset over financial issues that I can’t enjoy the good cheer that is supposed to be in the air.”
I’m not saying these aren’t nice things to do – they are. IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT. But too often, it becomes an expectation that puts a burden on people who are already financially stressed.
Of course, there’s always the pressure to indulge and create the perfect holiday whether you can afford it or not. This might solve the temporary problem, but the debt waiting for us as we ease into January is always lurking in the background (and probably creating resentment).
Over-scheduling during the holidays
Let’s not forget the many social occasions that are scheduled during the holiday because they can become a source of stress if they’re not managed.
There are work parties, neighborhood parties, and parties with friends. Then there are our kid’s activities: band and choir concerts, athletic events, school plays, and church programs.
That’s before you add in the activities required to get ready for the actual holiday. Personally, I hate shopping for gifts (I’m not a big shopper anyway). While I don’t mind the wrapping too badly once the gifts are bought, I hate standing in line at the post office, and I’d rather face a firing squad than the line to actually return gifts once the holiday is over. By the way, I refuse to even venture into a store on Black Friday.
Let’s not forget about the decorating. There’s the tree, the house, and the outside. Will the neighbors point to our house if it’s the only one on the block that’s not decked out?
Depression during the holidays
I never was sure exactly how it happened. It would creep up slowly after Thanksgiving and be at its worst by December 23. You may know the malady I’m referring to: the Christmas blues. I was supposed to feel joyful. But I didn’t.
Apparently, I wasn’t alone
According to an article in Psychology Today, depression during the holidays is common. This time of year also brings an increase in suicides and suicide attempts. Unfortunately, for too many people, the most wonderful time of the year….isn’t.
In addition to the factors I’ve discussed above, social isolation contributes to depression when those who do not have adequate family and friend connections feel left out of the festivities. So on one of the continuum you’ve got people who are pulled in too many directions by social obligations, and at the other end are those who crave more social interaction. Both contribute to unhappiness.
The over-commercialization of Christmas is also a factor in the Christmas blues. There is so much emphasis on the “perfect gift” and the “perfect family” and the “perfect everything” that it’s difficult not to focus on any deficiencies in your own life. Madison Avenue creates a mighty high standard to live up to.
Perhaps the timing of the holiday also has something to do with the higher rates of depression. As the year grows to a close, it’s natural to look back and evaluate the year’s events. For too many, this evaluation may cause them to find themselves lacking – whether literally or figuratively. Those who have suffered loss may be lonelier during the holidays, and those who have dealt with misfortune may be tempted to dwell on those events even more. While some are singing carols and kissing under the mistletoe, others are remembering traumatic events suffered during the year. These may feel magnified as they’re compared to the joy they see others experiencing.
Related Posts:
- It’s Christmas, I’m Tired, and I Don’t Want to Decorate! 9 Super Easy Decorating Ideas
- Are You Making These 7 Holiday Mistakes That Steal Your Joy?
- 14 Ideas to Bring Holiday Joy to Your Life
Tips for enjoying the holidays no matter what your situation
So how did I get over hating Christmas? I’m sure that time and changing circumstances helped. But the following tips were the real key to allowing me to enjoy the holidays. Hopefully they might help someone else as well.
- Set priorities that are right for your immediate family!
- Decide on your budgetary and time constraints and stick to them.
- Quit comparing your situation to others. After all, the neighbor who is buying extravagant gifts for her kids may be carrying debt that she’s regretting in January.
- Focus on what you DO have instead of what you don’t have.
- Find ways to do for other people that don’t cost money.
- Focus on the sentiment behind the gifts you give rather than their cost.
- Remember that there is no “perfect” or “right” way to celebrate the holidays.
- Focus on whatever meaning the season holds for you personally. If you’re a religious person, focus on that aspect. If you’re non-religious, focus on what you enjoy about this time of year.
- The Mayo Clinic has a list of other suggestions to hep people cope with the stress of the season that may be helpful as well.
“We need a little Christmas, right this very minute!”
Well, I guess that’s debatable. What I do think we need is a little LESS Christmas frenzy and a little MORE peace on earth. So during this holiday season, here is my wish for you:
- Spend time with people who make you happy.
- Do the things that bring you joy while taking a pass on the things that don’t.
- Show your love for others without taking on additional debt or experiencing any financial hardship.
- Give yourself – and others – a break. Goodness knows we all probably need one.
I’m sure there are those who will view this post as one big downer. That’s not the intent. By sharing our difficulties and our honest emotions, we’re better able to deal with them. And it never hurts to know that you’re not alone in your feelings and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I just stumbled across this post about how John Lennon saved Christmas for one woman. And my friend Sue has some great advice on enjoying the season when you’ve got blended families.
How do you deal with the stresses that can accompany the holiday season?
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I cant stand the fake people… people who, by all rights, are horrible people the entire year but think giving a few $ to charity or being nice for 3-4 weeks erases it…
I hear you, Nick. The last month of the year doesn’t erase the rest of the year.
I’ve always enjoyed the holidays however as a blended family it hasn’t always been easy. You have made some very valid points and actually I’m all about just spending time with those who mean the most to you and not going overboard with gifts and food. Quality time together is most important. Thanks for sharing at Over the Moon I’m sure your post will resonate with many.
I’m slowly getting over my dread of the holidays as well. My husband and I do have all of our family close which always meant running to two or three family functions on both xmas eve and xmas day.. which was exhausting once we had kids. So I started hosting more thinking it would be easier to be home… and it was in a way but it was also a lot of work hosting xmas eve, xmas breakfast every other year, and xmas dinner. Last year I refused to host anything and found we had the most pleasant holiday yet. My kids are older, our families are used to only seeing us once during the christmas season and we managed to pair everything down to where I actually did take a nap on Christmas day. We came home from breakfast and just spend a lazy day lying around the house. This year I will be hosting breakfast but that’s all I’m doing and I know I can rest and relax once everyone leaves. I finally figured out that one of my biggest stressors about the holiday season is all the parties. I am not a highly social person and all that socializing packed into just a few days or weeks really takes it toll on me.
A nap on Christmas – now that’s my kind of holiday! I’m like you and too much socializing just drains me. Two of my three kids are very social which had to be a genetic mutation since they didn’t get it from hubby or me. But they both live away from home so they get their social needs met in other ways and attend holiday gatherings with their friends. They know that when they come to Mom’s house it’s just time to kick back and relax.
I don’t view this post as a downer at all. Actually, it helps to know that I am not the only one. When I was a kid, I couldn’t understand why mom didn’t love Christmas. It was the most wonderful time of the year!! As I got older, I came to understand–it was all of the things you mentioned above. When I got to the point in my life that I was feeling like she was at Christmas, I decided to start pulling back on so many of the obligations. I stopped doing some things altogether and delegated other things to my husband and kids. December is still super stressful (especially because my company is online shopping), but at least I know I am doing the things *I* want to do now and not what everyone else wants me to do.
I bet December is a stressful time for you with your job – I can’t even begin to imagine! I had to really bite my tongue the other day when a lady told me about doing all the decorating at her house because her daughter had pitched a fit. I felt very sorry for her and I really wanted to tell her to quit doing things out of guilt or obligation. But I kept my mouth shut (somewhat, at least) which is very hard for me to do. I guess we all have to arrive at this conclusion in our own time. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and smooth sailing through your December business season.
I’m loving Christmas this year. I did all my shopping online and I did it early. I probably won’t even have to set foot in a store. Now all I have to do is clean my house and get ready for my family to visit on Christmas Eve. This year I’m trying to remember the real meaning of Christmas.
Sounds to me like you’ve got the process down to an art and that you’re ready for a peaceful gathering! My kids are old enough that I don’t do much for shopping for them anymore (they like the green stuff) so that helps SO much. I hope you have a wonderful holiday – Merry Christmas!
I have already talked to my husband about holiday expectations. Next weekend we have something Thursday, Saturday & Sunday. I said no more this season. Shopping about done – did all but one gift online. He doesn’t know it yet, but he’s helping with the wrapping! I refuse to take on all the Christmas chores by myself!
I don’t blame you! I was in the grocery store today and the nice lady who was checking me out asked if I was ready for Christmas. I told her that I supposed I was because I wasn’t going to decorate this year. She sighed and said that her daughter just had a fit and demanded that she put put up a tree and decorate the house. She ended up doing all of the work by herself because her daughter wouldn’t participate. I see nothing wrong with enlisting help – after all, we’re not the only ones benefiting from the holiday. I hope you have a wonderful celebration and enjoy your family time!
Since I am a yoga instructor, I do a lot of yoga and mindfulness meditation. It calms me down during the holidays. Plus, it’s good exercise for all the extra food that I consume. The one thing that really bothers me about this time of year is that all the radio stations I listen to have turned on their Christmas music!
It seems like they start playing the Christmas music earlier and earlier every year, don’t they?. We tend to only pull out our favorite Christmas cd – it’s a collection of novelty songs by Dr. Demento. We like it because it was our kid’s favorite and the songs are silly (we’re a little strange around here!). The laughter helps us relieve any stress that’s built up. Here’s hoping that you have a great holiday!
Shelley, I love this and everything you said rang true. The pressure got too much and I finally made some “adjustments.” For instance, I now have a fake tree even though we live within miles of 8 tree farms. I couldn’t take one more year of lugging. Christmas must be realigned each year. I say keep the fun traditions and chuck the annoying ones.
I like that idea of realignment each year. After all, situations and circumstances change. I do hope you have a very Merry Christmas filled with the things that make you happy!
I had a friend years ago who always baked up a storm (a hurricane of a storm!) preparing for Christmas. Besides all of the other ‘Christmas’ duties she had assigned herself. And in addition to having six kids and all the flurry that went with that. Then, one day, she realized that she was the only one with expectations. If this or that didn’t get done, she was the only one who knew about it. It was very freeing. (And between us, I’m glad I was able to learn her lesson vicariously–without the pain!) Christmas is for relaxing!
I agree wholeheartedly! Personally, I scaled back on the decorating one year when I was back in grad school. I was begging for help putting up the tree and none of my kids were the least bit interested. I finally asked myself why I was going to all the trouble when I seemed to be the only one it mattered to and I was the one who had the least amount of free time. We started just putting up a couple of those little fiber optic trees and everyone was just as happy – and I wasn’t spending an entire day (or several) decorating. That was the year I finally put myself on the list.
I so admire your being able to write like this. Telling it like it is!
Thanks Lisa. Every now and then I write something and then think, “I can’t believe I just admitted that in public.” I could blame it on a broken internal censor, but that would be a cop out. I just think we ought to talk about the things going on in our lives – maybe it’ll help someone else. Thanks for stopping by!
Shelley – thank you so much for linking to my post. I was almost yelling at my computer as I read this: “The truth is that for most working moms, unless their own mothers worked, their mothers and mothers-in-law, have no clue how hectic their lives are.” I was literally just screaming this in my head this morning after my in-laws demanded we go visit them for Christmas, instead of them visiting us. I couldn’t help but feeling angry – as a working mom with not enough hours in the day and not enough days off, all I want is to slow down at Christmas, for my children to enjoy Christmas morning at home. My in-laws are retired and could easily make the trip to NY. Trying to not let my anger show, but it is hard. Previous generations sometimes don’t fully understand the vise working mothers are in today. In any case, wonderful post. Thank you for helping me vent frustration where I can’t get in any trouble for it – lol.
You’ve summed it up perfectly – it definitely feels like a vise. I would be so exhausted and would look around at everything that had piled up at my house that needed attention at my house and just want to sit down and cry (and sometimes would!). The whole thing just left me hating the holidays. Come rant and vent any time. And I truly do hope you manage to get some time to relax and unwind over the holidays!